Toxic In-Laws

Do you dread seeing your in-laws?

Do you feel like you have to perform, walk on eggshells, or carefully manage what you say?
Do you feel ignored, dismissed, or like an outsider when you’re with them?
Do you leave family gatherings feeling completely drained, tense, or emotionally exhausted?
Do you notice your boundaries being crossed again and again, no matter how clearly you try to set them? Do you notice that they are interfering in your relationship with your partner?

If so, it’s not because you’re difficult or too sensitive. When interactions regularly leave you feeling anxious, unseen, or drained, something in the dynamic isn’t healthy. And over time, that kind of stress really starts to wear on you.

This applies to all in-laws, such as mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, daughter-in-law, and son-in-law.

Common Toxic In-Law Behaviors

1. Ongoing boundary violations

This isn’t about one awkward moment. It’s a pattern. You may notice things like:

• They show up at your home without asking and expect to be welcomed, even when it’s inconvenient.

• They involve themselves in decisions that aren’t theirs, such as how you raise your children, finances, or how you run your household.

• When you try to set limits, they ignore them, push back, or act hurt or offended. Or they say they understand, but they continue to test the boundaries.

Over time, this creates the feeling that your needs don’t matter and that your life isn’t really your own.

2. Control over your life and relationship

Toxic in-laws often believe they should influence how you live and make decisions for you.

This can look like:

• Pressure to spend every holiday, birthday, or weekend with them, followed by guilt, passive agressiveness or emotional backlash if you don’t.

• Undermining decisions you and your partner have already made, then acting surprised when you don’t take their advice.

• Expecting compliance rather than respecting your independence as an adult.

This kind of control can slowly erode confidence and create tension not just with them, but within your relationship as well.

3. Exclusion and emotional distance

Sometimes the harm is subtle, but it still hurts. You might experience:

• Family conversations filled with inside jokes that you’re never part of.

• Plans are being made without inviting you.

• Little effort to get to know you as a person, while still expecting you to show up and share your life.

• Blaming you for being closed off and cold, while they do not put the effort to connect with you.

This can leave you feeling invisible, like you’re tolerated rather than genuinely included.

4. Gossip and Insensitive Comments

This often happens both openly and behind your back. Examples include:

• Insensitive comments about your body, appearance, parenting, career, or personality.

• Questions that feel intrusive or inappropriate, followed by defensiveness if you don’t answer.

• Discovering later that they’ve been talking about you negatively to other family members. Gossip.

Even when framed as jokes or “just being honest,” these experiences are toxic.

5. Gaslighting and Denial

This is often the most confusing and destabilizing part.

You may notice:

• When you bring up something that hurt you, they deny it ever happened.

• The conversation gets twisted until you’re the one apologizing for being upset.

• You’re told you’re too sensitive, imagining things, or misunderstanding their intentions.

• They guilt-trip you.

Over time, this can cause you to doubt your own perceptions instead of trusting what you feel.

Why does this affect you so deeply?

If you grew up in a dysfunctional or abusive family, toxic in-law dynamics can easily reopen old wounds around belonging, safety, and self-worth. Your nervous system may slip into survival mode, people-pleasing, withdrawing, freezing, or blaming yourself, because this is how you learned to cope early on.

Your inner child is often very present in these situations. That younger part of you recognizes familiar patterns and reacts accordingly. Your inner child may project old fears, pain, or expectations onto your in-laws. This is completely normal. Your nervous system is trying to protect you based on past experiences.

Healing doesn’t mean dismissing what you’re noticing or blaming yourself. It means gently helping your inner child understand what belongs where: what belongs to the past with mom and dad, what truly belongs to your in-laws in the present, and what is actually different now. Unlike the past, you have choices. You can set boundaries. You can say no. You can protect yourself in ways you couldn’t when you were younger.

This can be a powerful opportunity to deepen your healing and help your inner child get unstuck. And to be clear, this is not about saying it’s your fault or that you’re imagining toxicity. Many in-laws are genuinely unhealthy and can closely resemble the family dynamics you grew up in. The work is about taking care of yourself in the process, staying grounded in the present, and responding from your adult self rather than from your inner child stuck in pain.

You’re allowed to take this seriously

Struggling with toxic in-laws doesn’t mean you’re dramatic or difficult. It means something in the relationship feels unsafe and familiar to the chaos of your family of origin.

You can have boundaries now and stick with them.
You can protect your emotional well-being.
And you can seek support with this issue without guilt.

Want support navigating this?

If toxic in-law dynamics are impacting your mental health, your relationship, or your sense of self, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

I offer a free 30-minute consultation call where we can talk about what you’re experiencing and explore how therapy might support you.