The Most Toxic Behavior from an Abusive Parent

Jan 19

You may have spent years asking yourself questions like:
Why do I always doubt myself?
Why do I feel guilty even when I know I didn’t do anything wrong?
Why does every difficult conversation with my parent leaves me feeling confused?

Maybe you’ve replayed arguments in your head, wondering what you could have said differently to your parent, hoping that if you just explained yourself better, they would finally understand. Maybe you’re still waiting for acknowledgment, an apology, or even a simple recognition of your pain.

But what if the most toxic behavior you experienced wasn’t the yelling, the criticism, or even the guilt tripping ? (which they are all toxic, harmful and abusive behaviors by the way)

What if it was something quieter yet far more damaging?

The lack of accountability.

Not taking responsibility.
Not owning their behavior.
Not willing to repair the relationship.

This absence of accountability doesn’t just hurt in the moment, it slowly reshapes how you see yourself, your emotions, and your reality.

What Lack of Accountability Looks Like in Toxic Parents

Lack of accountability can take many forms, including:

“That never happened.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re so bitter. This happened a while ago.”
“Get over it.”
“I must be a terrible mother.”
“I did the best I could.”
“You should be grateful, I had it worse growing up.”
“You made me do this to you.”
“I am sorry you feel this way.”
Refusing to apologize or offering hollow apologies without change.

At its core, this behavior sends a powerful message:
Your pain doesn’t matter. Your experience isn’t valid. I am not responsible.

This is incredibly confusing and emotionally unsafe.

Why This Is So Harmful in the Relationship

When a parent refuses to take responsibility:

As an adult children, you grew up learning to doubt your own perceptions
Emotions are dismissed
There is no repair after conflict
There is no modeling of healthy accountability
There is no modeling of a healthy relationship.
Repair becomes nearly impossible.
Toxic parents are modeling unhealthy behaviors to their children.
Toxic parents are modeling how their child should behave in social situations as well as in intimate relationships.

Instead of learning, “I made a mistake and I can repair it,” you learn, “If something feels wrong, it must be me.”

This is one of the roots of chronic self-doubt, shame, and confusion in adulthood.

If this resonates, you may also find this blog helpful:

15 Signs You Were Raised by a Toxic Family

How This Shows Up in You as an Adult

Growing up with parents who didn’t take responsibility often leads to adults who:

Over-apologize, even when they’ve done nothing wrong
Take responsibility for other people’s emotions
Struggle with guilt when setting boundaries
Feel responsible for fixing relationships
Doubt their own memories, feelings, or instincts
Stay in unhealthy relationships, hoping the other person will “finally take accountability.”
Or they also will have difficulty taking accountability for their own behaviors and not owning their part in a conflict.

Many adult children internalize the belief that if they could just explain things better, be calmer, or be more understanding, their parents would finally take responsibility.

But accountability requires emotional maturity and not all parents have it.

This pattern also deeply impacts self-esteem, which I explore further in:

4 Toxic Family Traits that Impacted your Self Esteem

Why Abusive Parents Avoid Accountability

When a parent refuses to take accountability, it shows pride and ego, which stem from a sense of perfection and shame, and this destroys relationships. So, for many abusive or narcissistic parents, taking responsibility would mean:

Facing their own shame
Being humble
Letting go of perfection
Letting go of control
Seeing their child as a separate, autonomous person

Instead, denial and blame protect their fragile sense of self. Unfortunately, that protection comes at the cost of your emotional well-being.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can help you stop internalizing it and taking it personally.

Healing from the Impact of Their Lack of Accountability

Healing doesn’t begin with getting your parents to finally admit what they did.
Healing begins when you stop waiting for accountability that may never come.

Through Therapy for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, many clients begin to:

Trust themselves
Release misplaced guilt
Learn what healthy accountability actually looks like
Develop emotional boundaries that protect their energy
Build healthy relationships

Similarly, Therapy for Childhood Trauma helps process the deeper emotional wounds, such as shame, fear, and self-doubt, that formed when your reality was consistently dismissed.

This work allows you to rebuild trust in yourself and reclaim your voice.

Therapy for Adult Children of Narcissists

Healing is Possible

Wanting your parents to take responsibility was not unreasonable. Wanting acknowledgment, repair, and accountability was not selfish. It was a basic emotional need.

Healing is possible even without their participation.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you recognize yourself in this pattern and want support breaking free from the emotional impact of toxic or abusive parenting, I invite you to take the next step.

Book a free 30-minute consultation to explore how therapy can help you: