How to Heal from Shame - A Powerful Exercise.
In Part 1, we explored how shame forms in childhood and how it follows us into adulthood through guilt, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and self-criticism.
Now I want to clarify what I mean when I say: “Give the shame back.”
This does not mean revenge. It doesn’t mean you are sending them bad energy.
It does not mean confrontation.
It does not mean calling your parents and trying to get them to finally understand, and holding them accountable when you see them.
No!
It means something much deeper and more psychological.
It means confronting the internal parents inside of you and recognizing that the shame you carry was implanted through repeated criticism, emotional neglect, humiliation, control, or abuse and consciously returning responsibility to where it belongs. Holding your internal parents accountable for the damage done to you.
Shame was never yours. It was learned.
And what is learned can be unlearned. Thankfully! That`s the beauty of the neuroplasticity of the brain.
What “Giving Shame Back” Actually Means
When you grew up in a critical or abusive environment, you internalized voices.
voices that judge you.
Compare you.
Tell you you’re not enough.
Tell you you’re too much.
Over time, that external parent became an internal parent.
You now carry that shaming voice everywhere you go. You carry the internal harsh, critical and dismissive parent everywhere you go.
Giving shame back means:
Separating your authentic adult self from the internalized critical parent.
Recognizing that their projections, wounds, and limitations were never yours to carry.
Consciously releasing the emotional burden that was placed on you.
And this work should be done internally — not with the actual parent.
In fact, I do not recommend confronting abusive or narcissistic parents in real life. If they have not done their own healing work, they are unlikely to suddenly gain insight. Attempting to confront them often leads to re-traumatization.
The real work is confronting the parent inside.
Because that is the one you carry everywhere.
Reminder
Healing shame can bring up intense emotions. I strongly encourage seeking professional support from a licensed therapist who is trained in trauma work. Please do not navigate this alone.
The Power of Visualization: You Are Not “Making It Up”
Before I guide you through the exercises, I want to address something important.
Some people dismiss visualization or imagination as “not real.”
But your nervous system does not fully distinguish between imagined and real emotional experiences. This is why:
You can cry during a movie.
Your heart can race from a stressful thought.
You can feel warmth remembering a loving moment.
Visualization activates neural pathways. When done intentionally, it can help you process unfinished emotional experiences in a safe and contained way.
You are not making it up. Trust your visions.
Exercise: The Empty Chair
This exercise was taken from the RRP Model created by Amanda Curtin, and it is done in an individual therapy session with an RRP therapist and a RRP group setting.
Sit in a quiet space.
Place an empty chair in front of you.
Visualize your parent sitting across from you.
Remember: your parent is not allowed to speak, talk back at you, or harm you in this exercise.
Say everything you were never allowed to say:
“The shame you put on me was not mine.”
“I was a child.”
“Your criticism hurt me.”
“Your expectations were yours, not mine.”
“I am giving this shame back to you.”
If speaking feels too overwhelming, write a letter instead and read it.
Write everything. Do not censor yourself.
But do not send it.
This letter is for your healing, not for their understanding.
Again, this exercise is not about confronting your real parent. It is about separating from the internalized parent that lives inside your psyche.
Finish the letter with some sort of empowerment statement:
“I am safe now.”
“You have no power over me.”
“I have the power now.”
“I take my power back.”
“I am taking care of my inner child now; you have no power over them.”
Imagine yourself holding your inner child in your arms, walking away from the scene, going somewhere safe in the present. Imagine you are being protected and safe with your boundaries.
Why This Work Matters
When you give shame back internally, you stop unconsciously carrying your parents’ unresolved wounds and shame.
You begin to:
Hear your own voice more clearly.
Feel more grounded in your decisions.
Experience less guilt and self-doubt.
Show up in relationships with more self-worth.
This is about reconnecting with your sense of self.
This Is the Surface — Not the Depth Work
I want to be transparent about something.
This exercise is educational and introductory. It can be a powerful experiential exercise, but it is just the surface.
In my sessions with clients, we go much deeper using RRP (Relationship Recovery Reprocessing. This therapy allows us to access the root of shame at a nervous system level - not just cognitively, but emotionally and somatically.
We work directly with the internalized parent, unfinished emotional experiences, and the younger part of you that is still carrying the burden.
The difference is depth, containment, and safety in a therapeutic setting.
Trying to do deep shame work alone without proper support can feel overwhelming or destabilizing. That’s why professional guidance matters.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If this resonates and you’re realizing how deeply shame has shaped your life, support can make this process more transformative.
I offer a free 30-minute consultation call where we can explore whether working together feels aligned for both of us.
