How to Identify a Toxic Relationship and Find Yourself Again: A Q&A With Relationship Coach Heather Melville
Toxic relationships can be hard to spot and even harder to leave. They often start with charm and excitement, only to slowly drain your energy, self-worth, and sense of safety. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family and has childhood trauma, you may recognize the patterns but still find yourself drawn to familiar dynamics, even when they hurt.
Healing from childhood trauma often means breaking patterns that lead us into toxic relationships because the wounds we carry can shape how we choose partners, how we trust, and how we allow ourselves to be treated.
That’s why I’m so excited to share this special Q&A with relationship and life coach Heather Melville to talk about what makes a relationship toxic, why love can still linger after it ends, and how to start rebuilding your confidence and self-worth. From spotting early red flags to taking that first small step toward reclaiming your power, Heather Melville offers clear, compassionate guidance for anyone ready to break free and heal.
Can you introduce yourself and tell us a bit about what inspired you to become a relationship coach?
“My Name is Heather Melville and there are a few reasons why I focus on relationships, especially recovery from toxic relationships, when I set out to be a coach and help people. I have always known that I wanted to help others by finding their own happiness because I see how unhappy the world is. How unhappy we are with our circumstances, the environment i.e. economically and politically, but mostly with our relationships and ourselves. I realized through observation and awareness of my own experience that when we are unhappy in our relationship with others and ourselves, the rest of our lives seem meaningless and painful. I also believe that part of our purpose here as humans is connection, is relationships with each other. So I wanted to focus how I could help others on what I believe to be the most important, relationships. Relationships have the power to fulfill us and give us our greatest joy, but also to tear us down, suck us into a black hole and make us feel empty.
The other reason for focusing on relationships, and why I focus on toxic relationship recovery, is because it is what I experienced, struggled with, and came out through on the other side feeling empowered, confident, and reigniting my passion for myself, love, and life. I want to help women, who have been through what I have been through, partly because they are strong women who don't know it and need the most help especially to break the isolation, know that they are not alone and feel safe to be vulnerable again in a judgement-free zone. But also because I realized that was part of my own healing journey, to contextualize what I experienced, how I healed to be able to move into a healthy relationship with myself and with my fiance, and then to share that with others to help them heal and thrive.
How do you define a toxic relationship?
I define a toxic relationship as a relationship that does not consist of authentic, unconditional love but consists of attachment out of fear and not because of genuine connection. Toxic relationships vary in severity and so many unhealthy, toxic patterns can be seen and emerge in a toxic relationship but the basis is fear. Basically it is a relationship in which instead of feeling mutual respect, compassion, connection, trust, kindness; you feel self-doubt, self-blame, anxiety, depression, isolation, manipulation, being controlled, and physical/emotional abuse. Toxic relationships enable you to hold on to your own unhealthy belief systems and patterns as a coping mechanism due to being constantly triggered, whereas a healthy relationship helps you work through those triggers and patterns. A healthy relationship gives you the space to grow and let go of old thoughts, beliefs, and patterns that don't serve you because you and your partner provide an environment of unconditional love and compassion. A toxic relationship keeps you reacting in unhealthy ways to hide the true inner work needed to be done in both partners. It drains you of life and love for yourself and others and affects all aspects of your life. Shrouding every experience, circumstance, decision in confusion and pain.
Can someone still be in love with their toxic ex? What would you say to someone feeling stuck or confused after a breakup?
The word here is not love but attachment. I say this because once you experience real love full of compassion, kindness, joy, you realize that you can't call what you experienced in a previous toxic relationship as love, at least that was my experience once I ended the toxic relationship and found a healthy relationship. The attachment comes from so many things, fear of being alone, codependency traits, the false expectation of who the ex was before in the beginning of the relationship, who they could become, and how the relationship could be if only they would change, our lack of self-worth believing that hurtful love is the only kind we deserve.
But to answer the question, a person can most definitely still be "in love" (attached) with their ex and it's because their brain has been conditioned to accept and want the toxicity. In a toxic relationship, we experience highs like love-bombing, where our partner floods us with love and attention, almost too much; and then we experience the lows where we are controlled, manipulated, gaslighted, and abused. And this fluctuation causes so many chemical reactions within our brain that we become addicted to it.
Confusion is the strongest feeling I felt after the relationship because I felt so relieved, like a weight was let off my shoulders but then sad and upset at the same time, that the relationship had ended, that I was alone (something I had tried to avoid at all costs even at the expense of experiencing physical and emotional abuse for 8 years), that I wasted so much of my time and energy on something that caused me so much pain and did not workout how I wanted. So confusion is absolutely normal. It's because your brain is still wired for that toxicity and like any drug addiction, there will be withdrawals. It is confusing to have feelings that seem to be contradictory; relieved that the toxic relationship and abuse is finally over but then having your body and mind crave it and miss it because it's what you've been conditioned to want and expect for so long. The biggest advice is to accept all that you are feeling. Oftentimes we try to cover up those feelings because it's what we have been taught to do, but when we try to cover them up and suppress them, they don't get released and instead just get bottled up until eventually you explode. We fall back on some unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid the pain.
So it's ok that you still want the connection with your ex, it's ok that you may feel confused about wanting something that you know is not good for you and caused you so much pain, it's because you have been wired for that. But the good news is, that with acceptance, compassion for yourself and what you are feeling, understanding about what inner wounds you need to work through and heal, and awareness of what you want for your future and in your future relationships, you will be able to rewire your brain to not want the toxicity but expect and hold yourself and others to higher standards of respect, compassion and love.
How do you help clients rebuild their self-worth after leaving a toxic relationship?
First, we need to adjust our definition of self-worth and what makes us worthy. So many of us, myself included, believe that worthiness is synonymous with self-esteem, something that is obtained through achievement and other people's opinions of us, but that is not true about self-worth. Self-worth comes from within, no outer achievement or validation can create it; it is something we are all born with, an innate knowing that because we are alive, because we are here, we are worthy. If it were not this way, if we had to develop and prove our worthiness, well whose standards do we have to follow to achieve that? Who is the decider of those standards? Who is the approver once we have met those "standards"? Questions impossible to have a universal answer to, therefore, logically speaking, self-worth is not something outside of ourselves or based on any other person's standards.
So, first it starts with adjusting the definition and creating this understanding, then it comes to implementing and practicing. It's visualizing yourself as someone who is worthy, even if we still don't believe it, and feeling that in our body and acting upon that. What does it feel like in my body to be truly worthy of life and love? If I felt that way about myself, what kind of things would I do daily for myself that embody and perpetuate that feeling and knowing? How would I show up in life? In my relationships? In my job? It's about practicing asking yourself better questions; instead of asking why or how come I'm not worthy of 'this', whose standards prove that I am not worthy? Are those valid standards and do I trust the person those standards came from as an expert and the absolute judge of my worthiness? It's putting yourself, your body, in a state of worthiness before your mind (ego) can believe it and then treating yourself and doing the things that show you are worthy. The mind will follow as you do those things, but you have to believe it in your body first. Utilizing visualization, acceptance and understanding to move my clients into a state of already feeling worthy.
And then it's just practice and giving yourself grace during the times when its a struggle.
What are some red flags that tend to show up early in toxic relationships, but are easy to overlook at first?
I feel like I could write a book just on the red flags that can show up and why we overlook them, but mostly it comes down to how we feel in the relationship with the other person and ourselves. Some red flags to look out for that could be a sign that the relationship you are about to start will be toxic are:
Controlling Behavior: They try to control where you go, who you see, what you wear, or what you do. You feel the need to ask for permission instead of making decisions freely.
Constant Criticism: They belittle your accomplishments, appearance, interests, or opinions. Jokes are often at your expense and make you feel small.
Isolation: They try to separate you from friends, family, or support networks. You feel increasingly alone or dependent on them.
Gaslighting: They deny things they've said or done, making you question your memory or sanity. You feel confused or like you're "going crazy" around them.
Love-Bombing: Early in the relationship, they overwhelm you with affection and attention. Later, they withdraw love suddenly or use it as a weapon.
Blaming: Never take responsibility for their actions & always blame others. Arguments often end with you apologizing, even when you're not at fault.
Disrespecting Boundaries: They push physical, emotional, or digital boundaries you've clearly set. You feel uncomfortable saying “no” or asserting yourself.
And if ever they become physically violent, you need to seek support and safety because if they are capable of doing it once, they are capable of doing it again
Extreme Jealousy, Mood Swings are a few other flags but the key one to focus on is within you. How do you feel? If you feel drained, anxious or unsafe, your body or intuition is telling you something is off. If you feel worse after spending time with them rather than better, you need to respect yourself, your time, your energy, and your intuition enough to listen. Because the body doesn't lie.
All of these red flags are easy to overlook for so many reasons, but they all stem from fear. We fear being alone so we settle for what we think we are worthy of, or we are hopeful focusing on the potential of who they could be and what the relationship could be rather than reality and how we feel now. Toxic people tend to start the relationship with love-bombing, clouding our judgment because it is the love we desire and are finally receiving all because we didn't give that to ourselves first (enter next chapter of book: Self-Love and how the lack of it drives us to Ignore Red Flags!), and then we feel shameful for when the love-bombing stops and the person's real colors show and we "missed" all the warning signs.
It all comes down to a lack of acceptance. Accepting our own love, how we feel, what our body is trying to warn us about. Accepting who the person is and not picturing and expecting who they will become to fulfill our need for a relationship. And accepting when something is not right for us and letting go to make room for something better in our lives.
What’s one small step someone can take today to begin reclaiming their power after leaving a toxic relationship?
Book a free discovery call with me! A partial answer in the sense that I can help reclaim their power and reignite their passion for life and love for themselves, but as I have been mentioning before, a small step is acceptance. Acceptance of what happened, what they experienced, and where they are and want to go moving forward. Not condoning what happened but accepting that it did happen; not blaming. And it doesn't have to be everything all at once that they accept, it can just be accepting that they are feeling the way they do now. Accept that they are feeling lost, broke, confused and hurt. Because eventually these will turn into the most powerful life lessons that will stay with them forever if they accept them. If they resist, if they fight, try to push the feelings, the memories away, it will stay stuck within them and they won't be able to learn the lesson and move forward. Ask, "What is one thing about what I experienced and what I am experiencing today, that I am not accepting, that I am resisting?" Focus on that answer that pops up and accept it. Let it be. Be there with whatever it is, don't judge it, don't come up with an explanation or an excuse, just let it be. If you feel like crying, sobbing, weeping in your bed all day and eating ice cream, than accept that you feel that way and do it (maybe don't eat all the ice cream because you are worthy of a healthy life and body!).
Conclusion
When you walk away from a toxic relationship, you are moving towards yourself. As Heather reminds us, spotting the signs early and taking even the smallest steps toward healing can open the door to a life that feels lighter, freer, and more joyful. If you’re in the process of untangling from unhealthy patterns and dealing with the after affects from a toxic relationship, remember: you’re not alone in this.
You can learn more about Heather Melville’s work and explore her coaching services here:
To schedule a free discovery call with Heather, click here:
