You don’t have to fake gratitude to have a meaningful Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time for gratitude, a moment to gather, give thanks, and reflect on what we appreciate.
But for many adult children of narcissistic and dysfunctional families, this holiday can feel complicated.

You might find yourself sitting at a family table, smiling politely, while your body feels tense and guarded.
You want to feel thankful, but instead, something inside feels off, confused, guilty, or even resentful.

If that’s you, you’re not alone. Gratitude can be loaded when it’s been used against you.

“Gratitude” Was a Tool of Control

Many of us grew up hearing things like:

“You should be grateful for everything I’ve done for you.”
“You complain too much, you should be grateful”.
“Other kids don’t have what you have.”
“After all I sacrificed, this is how you treat me?”

Gratitude was never about connection or appreciation. It was manipulation.
It taught you that thankfulness meant compliance, obedience, or denying your own pain.

So now, when the holiday season arrives with its constant reminders to be grateful, it can stir up a mix of emotions, guilt, shame, sadness, or even anger.

The Conflict Inside

As an adult, you might find yourself asking:

“If I’m grateful, does that mean I forgive them?”
“Am I being ungrateful if I still feel hurt?”
“Why do I feel numb when everyone else feels joyful?”

These questions make sense. Gratitude feels hard when it’s tangled with trauma. You can’t force warmth in an environment where your nervous system still feels unsafe.

Redefining Gratitude in Recovery

Healing means reclaiming gratitude as something that belongs to you, not something demanded from you. Just like spirituality, your own spiritual values belong to you, nobody else.
It’s not about pretending everything’s okay, you can expand your awareness to include what’s also true.

You can hold both:

“I’m grateful for my growth and still hurt by what happened.”
“I’m thankful for the strength I developed, even though I am still grieving my childhood".
“I’m grateful for the people who make me feel safe now.”

Real gratitude feels soft, heartfelt and freeing, not pressured or performative.

Honoring Real Gratitude This Thanksgiving

Here are a few ways to connect with gratitude that feels authentic this year:

“I’m grateful I can recognize red flags now.”
“I’m grateful I’m learning to be myself instead of pleasing all the time.”
“I’m grateful for the peace I’m creating, even if it feels lonely sometimes.”
“I’m grateful for my inner child, she’s still here with me.”
“I’m grateful for the people who see me.”

This is gratitude that honors your truth, not one that dismisses it. Gratitude for what is real, for what feels real.

A New Way to Give Thanks

This Thanksgiving, you don’t have to give thanks for your family if they’ve caused harm. You can be grateful for your family if you have positive memories and moments spent together in the past. You can hold all of it together if you want, but the important thing is that you are honest with yourself and be grateful for what you really feel.
You can give thanks to yourself, for how far you’ve come, for the boundaries you’re learning to set, for the courage it takes to heal when others don’t understand.

Gratitude doesn’t erase pain, but it can coexist with it like a small, steady light that reminds you of your resilience and your growth.

A Closing Reflection

Instead of asking, “What should I be grateful for this year?”
Try asking,

“What am I genuinely thankful for in myself, in my healing, and in the life I’m creating now?”

That’s what true gratitude looks like when you’re breaking cycles.
It’s not perfection. It’s peace.

A Closing Reflection

If this time of year brings up complicated feelings for you… you don’t have to go through it alone.
I offer a free 30-minute consultation to help you explore how therapy can support your healing, boundaries, and emotional peace, especially around family and the holidays.

Schedule Your FREE 30 Min Consultation Now.