How Do I Stop Hoping My Parents Will Change?
If you grew up in a toxic family, you may find yourself holding onto the hope that one day your parents will finally change. Maybe they’ll apologize for the harm they caused, acknowledge your feelings, validate you, see you, hear you or suddenly become the loving, supportive parents you always dreamed of. But what happens when that hope keeps you stuck in a cycle of disappointment and distress?
Why We Hold Onto Hope
As children, we’re wired to seek love, validation, and approval from our parents. When those needs go unmet, the longing doesn’t just disappear, it stays with us, convincing us that if we just wait long enough, they’ll come around. We may cling to the belief that one more conversation, one more holiday, or one more act of kindness will finally make them see how they’ve hurt us.
But the reality is, hoping they’ll change can become a barrier to healing. It keeps you emotionally attached to a version of your parents that doesn’t exist. And as long as you’re waiting for them to become someone they’re not, you’re missing out on the opportunity to heal and create the life you deserve.
The Cost of Holding Onto Hope
When you’re caught in the cycle of hoping your parents will change, you might find yourself:
Replaying past conversations, searching for signs they care.
Trying to explain your feelings over and over, hoping for a different response.
Putting your own healing on hold, waiting for them to acknowledge your pain.
Feeling emotionally drained and exhausted after every interaction.
Holding onto hope can keep you locked in a state of longing, constantly looking to them for the love and validation you needed as a child and you never truly receiving it.
Recognizing Reality vs. Fantasy
Letting go of hope doesn’t mean you’re giving up on love — it means you’re choosing to accept what is, rather than what you wish would be. Here are some signs it may be time to let go:
You’ve had the same conversation with them multiple times, but nothing changes.
You feel manipulated during interactions.
Your mental health suffers after being around them.
You find yourself stuck in cycles of anger, resentment, or sadness after every encounter.
How to Let Go
Letting go is not about pretending you don’t care. It’s about choosing to focus your energy on your own healing, rather than trying to control or change someone else. Here’s how:
Reframe Letting Go: Instead of seeing it as giving up, view it as an act of self-protection. You’re redirecting that love toward yourself.
Create a Self-Compassion Mantra: Whenever you feel the urge to reach out or explain yourself again, remind yourself: "I love and accept myself, even if they don`t and that’s what matters."
Establish Boundaries: Define what kind of contact feels safe and respectful for you. This might mean limiting certain topics or interactions, or stepping back entirely.
Find Your Chosen Family: Seek out people who genuinely see, hear, and respect you. This could be close friends, support groups, or a therapist who understands the complexities of family trauma.
Heal your inner child: Your inner child hopes for your parents to change, but you can start offering that love to your wounded inner child right now, how are you going to meet those needs yourself? A good therapist that understands family dysfunction and inner child work can help with that.
Conclusion
Letting go of the hope that your parents will change is about opening yourself up to the love that’s already available within yourself. There is enough love in the world and within you. If you’re struggling to take those first steps, book a free 30 minute consultation to see if we are a good fit to work together. I specialize in working with adult children of toxic families and I help them heal and love themselves, so they can become a healthy parent for their inner child.
