How to Cope with an Alcoholic Parent on the Holidays - Holiday Healing Series.
It’s not your job to manage your parent’s drinking.
The holidays are supposed to feel warm, connected, joyful. But for many adult children of dysfunctional families, especially those who grew up with an alcoholic parent, this season can feel like a knot in your stomach waiting to tighten.
You start scanning for signs: How much have they had?
Are they starting to slur? Is the mood about to shift?
Are we heading straight into chaos again?
This is the hypervigilance of childhood trauma. And it still lives in your body, even if you’ve built a stable life far away from the parent who created so much instability.
Today, I want to talk about what really happens internally when a parent’s drinking ruins the holidays and how you can begin releasing the responsibility you never should’ve carried.
The Lonely Job You Never Asked For
If you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you learned to read the room before you could even read words. You watched their facial expressions, listened to their tone, memorized the way they walked through the door.
Because your safety depended on it.
When you’re the child of an alcoholic, you become the emotional barometer of the house. You’re the one who:
Tries to prevent fights
Cleans up other people’s messes
Covers for them
Protects siblings
Makes excuses
Stays quiet to avoid setting them off
Becomes the “responsible one,” the “good kid,”
And during the holidays, all of that intensifies. The house is full. There’s drinking everywhere. The tension is familiar and terrifying.
This is why holiday gatherings feel like a minefield for adult children of toxic family dynamics.
Hypervigilance Is a Trauma Response, Not Overreacting
If your chest tightens when your parent’s tone changes…
If you find yourself monitoring their drinking without even thinking…
That’s not you being dramatic or sensitive.
That’s your nervous system triggered.
Children of alcoholics grow up in unpredictability. One moment your parent is loving, funny, charming the next they’re withdrawn, irritable, sloppy, cruel, or explosive. Your brain learned to anticipate danger because danger was real.
So when you walk back into that environment as an adult, your body responds the way it did years ago. This is an emotional flashback, a common experience for adult children of dysfunctional families.
Your system is trying to protect you, not ruin the holidays.
It Was Never Your Job to Fix, Control, or Manage an Alcoholic Parent
Let me say this clearly:
You were a child. It was never your job to manage an adult’s drinking.
It wasn’t your job at 8, or 14, or 22 and it’s not your job now.
Children of alcoholic or narcissistic parents often believe:
“If I act perfect, they won’t drink as much.” It`s my fault they are alcoholics.
“If I stay close, I can stop them from embarrassing themselves.”
“If I take care of everything, the night won’t get bad.”
“If I stay sober, I can protect everyone else.”
“Maybe this year will be different.”
Those beliefs are trauma-driven. They were survival strategies, not choices.
Your inner child still thinks keeping everyone safe is up to you. But here’s the truth:
You didn’t cause your parents’ drinking. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.
Check out my services that can help you heal this deep wound of the effects of having an alcoholic parent. Check it out: Childhood Trauma Therapy.
Signs You’re Still Carrying the Responsibility
You might notice:
Feeling guilty for not attending family gatherings
Being overly alert during holiday events
Trying to “monitor” your parent’s behavior
Feeling responsible for keeping the peace
Shame for wanting distance
Cancelling your own plans to manage theirs
Feeling like the “parent” in the relationship
These are symptoms of parentification, emotional neglect, and childhood trauma, all of which are incredibly common for people raised in homes with addiction.
How to Begin Releasing the Responsibility
You cannot heal your parent.
But you can heal the parts of you that still feel responsible for them.
Here are steps that support inner child healing:
1. Give yourself permission to set boundaries
You can leave early, decline invitations, choose neutral spaces, or spend the holiday elsewhere. Boundaries are not punishments, they are protection.
2. Stop monitoring their drinking
Catch yourself when your brain goes into “Is this getting bad?” mode. Gently remind yourself: “This is not my job anymore. Never was.”
3. Listen to your body
If your chest tightens, your stomach drops, or you feel dissociated that’s your nervous system telling you the environment isn’t safe. Listen to your body and care for yourself in that moment.
4. Choose “chosen family” when needed
Holidays are meant to be shared with people who feel safe, not people who trigger survival mode.
5. Comfort the inner child part of you
Tell yourself what you needed to hear back then:
“You were just a kid. You did nothing wrong.”
5. Childhood Trauma therapy
You can learn all that in therapy and have specialized support to help you release what`s been holding you back, learning to be yourself without any apology. Clich here to learn more:
You Don`t Have to Do This Alone
Check out my Blog Navigating Food Triggers, Body Image, Toxic Parents, Grief, and New Beginnings to help you gain more insights and clarity on your healing.
If you recognized yourself in this blog, you don’t have to navigate these patterns on your own.
I offer a free 30-minute consultation so you can explore therapy at your own pace and ask any questions you have.
