Healing From Achievement Driven Parents
If you’ve ever felt like your parent only values you for your achievements, your career, or how much money you make you’re not imagining it. Many adult children of dysfunctional families experience this exact dynamic.
It’s confusing and painful when your worth feels tied to what you do instead of who you are. Let’s explore why some parents behave this way and what you can do to reclaim your own definition of success.
The Root: Parents’ Insecurities and Image
Some parents link their self-worth directly to how their children appear to the outside world. Insecurity drives them to measure success through socially approved checkboxes such as high-paying jobs, impressive titles, and prestigious degrees.
In their minds:
“If my adult child has a reputable career and earns a lot, I must have done something right as a parent.”
It’s a way of protecting their own ego. Your achievements become proof of their success, rather than a reflection of your personal journey. But this means they’re often not really seeing you, they’re seeing a projection of themselves. Showing you off like a trophy.
When You Become an Extension of Them
For some parents, the line between themselves and their child is blurry. They see you not as an individual with your own dreams, feelings, and identity, but as an extension of them.
Your successes are theirs to claim. Your struggles, however, are often ignored because they don’t fit the image they want to present to the world.
This can mean:
They overlook your sadness, grief, or challenges
They focus on how you make them look, rather than how you feel
They push you toward choices that enhance their reputation
In these families, your accomplishments aren’t celebrated for your sake, they’re used to glorify the parent.
The Scarcity Mindset
Some parents also operate from a deep-seated fear that without enough money or status, you won’t be safe. On the surface, this can look like concern. But when mixed with ego and control, it becomes conditional love, your value is tied to what you produce and earn.
The danger here is internalizing this belief yourself measuring your own worth by your productivity instead of your humanity, so you will need to produce because there won`t be enough, according to the fear that was passed to you.
Shifting the Focus Back to You
If this sounds familiar, you might be afraid to disappoint your parent. Maybe you’ve built a life that looks perfect from the outside but feels empty inside. It’s better to disappoint them than to live a lie and betray yourself.
Start by asking yourself:
When do I feel most like myself?
What activities bring me genuine joy?
If I took my parents’ approval out of the equation, what would I choose for my life?
If money or success wasn`t an issue, what would I like to be doing?
As an adult, you have the power to decide what’s right for you and that may be very different from what your parents think is right.
You Are More Than Your Achievements
Your worth isn’t a paycheck or a job title. It’s in your authenticity, your soul, your creativity, and your presence in the world. You were born with your worthiness.
And if you’re ready for personalized support, I invite you to book a free 30-minute consultation with me. We’ll talk about your specific situation and how we can work together to help you heal and build a life that’s aligned with your values not someone else’s expectations.
