Family Holiday Stress - 5 Signs of a Dysfunctional Family

Holidays are coming and it’s easy to get wrapped up in drama at a dinner table with family and relatives on Thanksgiving. In this post, you will learn to identify if your family has any of these 5 signs of dysfunction and become aware of them, so you don’t have to engage in chaos. In the next post, I will talk about how to manage stress.

1-High Conflict and Chaos

Every time you visit your relatives for the holidays (or any other day, but I noticed this happens a lot on important dates) you might experience some discomfort by witnessing and being pulled into the chaos, fights, and arguments that can escalate into yelling and physical aggression. When things become tense in a toxic family system, there is no communication, instead, there are fights, verbal chaos, and even passive-aggressive behaviors, for example, you might receive a silent treatment from your narcissistic mother who uses this behavior as a weapon. Don`t engage in the chaos and have your boundaries.

2-Codependency & Enmeshment

When you come home for the holidays, you might get comments such as “You don`t come here anymore. We don’t exist for you. You don’t want anything to do with us anymore. Are we a bad family? I begged you to visit me that`s why you are here”. It’s all codependency and self-centeredness. It`s about ME - “Make me happy”. Another trait of codependence is when the family is completely enmeshed and you are not allowed to have an identity, they all have to follow the same rules, eat the same thing, and do the same things, and if you go against the family norms you are the odd one out. You are not allowed to say no and have your boundaries.

3-Lack Empathy – We don`t talk about feelings

When you receive a comment such as “Get over it, it wasn`t that bad, you are too sensitive” and when you are being dismissed by your family when you express your feelings, that`s a sign of dysfunction because they don`t want to get in touch with their own feelings, they deny emotions, it is dismissive. Then, you start thinking that you are too sensitive, maybe they are right, maybe the problem is you, and you shouldn’t express yourself. The truth is communicating your feelings in a dysfunctional family is the same as speaking to a wall, you will be invalidated.

4-Constant Criticism

You get to celebrate the holidays with your family again, and again, they make comments about the things that they think are wrong about you. “Do this, do that, don`t do this, don`t do that, I don`t like what you are wearing, you look like you gained weight, you look like you lost weight, you didn`t get promoted yet how come? You don’t have a boyfriend yet, what is going on? Remember when you were little? you were so loud and inconsiderate. Loser. You should…” At this point, you are probably irritated and want to disappear from the party. Growing up, if you were constantly criticized and expected to be an adult at an early age, you probably accumulated all these criticisms within you and it feels tender now, so being around your parents can be very but very triggering, especially when they make negative comments and provide unsolicited advice. 

5- Manipulation

Manipulation is when someone wants to control through emotional blackmailing to get what they want, for example, when a dysfunctional parent says “You know, I have high cholesterol I might die tomorrow, you don`t even care. I might as well die and you still won`t talk to me”, or “After all I have done for you, you treat me this way, I don`t exist for you” or when a toxic sibling says “You know, mom doesn`t have too long to live, she`s in her 60`s, you have to come to visit, she dies you will regret it”. A lot of blaming is mixed with manipulation, it’s always someone else`s fault, so it is very difficult or almost impossible for the dysfunctional family member to take any accountability for their behaviors. Because of their immaturity and narcissism, they will not change, so don’t expect them to grow up.

Conclusion

Again, the opposite of dysfunction does not mean PERFECT. The opposite of dysfunction means HEALTHY. These are some signs that you might be able to spot. I suggest taking notes of what bothers you about those signs and do the deeper work within you, seek therapy. We can’t change our parents, we can’t change our siblings, we can’t change anyone. But you can take charge of your life now and be more in control when you spend time with your family during the holidays.

If you want structured sessions and professional help with healing childhood trauma, feel free to contact me for a 20-minute consultation call or book an appointment to see how I might be able to help you.