Have you ever found yourself saying or doing something in a relationship and thinking, “Why am I behaving like this?” Maybe you lashed out, shut down, or said something you swore you’d never say. Or maybe you beat yourself up internally for a small mistake, spiraling into shame.
What you’re experiencing might be generational trauma: you are treating yourself the way your parents treated you. Your parents treated you the way their parents did, and their parents and your great great grandfather, etc. It becomes a cycle of abuse and trauma that gets passed down from one generation to another. These emotional and behavioral patterns get passed down through families, often without anyone realizing it.

Emotions Are Meant to Move

At the core of everything we do is emotion: e-motion, or energy in motion. Emotions are meant to move us and move through us.

Anger moves us to defend ourselves and set boundaries.
Fear pauses in the face of danger and it urges us to protect ourselves.
Sadness creates and frees up space for healing when we experience loss.

But when those emotions get stuck when our childhood experiences didn’t allow us to feel, process, or express them safely, they don’t go away. Instead, they leak out sideways. We either act them out, or we act them in.

Acting Out

Acting out generational trauma can show up in ways that might feel impulsive, reactive, or hard to control:

Explosive anger in relationships
Not talking about feelings. Not addressing the elephant in the room.
Silent treatment, pouting, shutting down
Saying or doing the things to our children that were once said or done to us even when we swore we never would say or do.
Reenacting violence, whether physical or emotional
Being aggressive, rebellious, or mean to others, not because we want to be, but because we're hurt and haven’t been taught another way.

These aren't signs that you’re a bad person. They’re signs that unprocessed emotional energy is still running the show: your hurt and wounded self.

Acting In

On the other hand, many of us internalize what we went through. We turn the pain inward.

Harsh self-talk after mistakes: “You’re so stupid. You never get anything right.”
Feeling like you have to punish yourself, emotionally or physically
Chronic physical symptoms like headaches, back pain, digestive issues, or even illness
Believing you don’t deserve rest, love, or compassion, so you withhold it from yourself

Unresolved emotions from the past often become weapons we use against ourselves. And while I’m not saying every physical condition is trauma-based perspective, this isn’t a cookie-cutter diagnosis. The body speaks when the heart hasn’t had the chance to.

If You Don’t Heal It, You May Repeat It

Generational trauma is not about blaming mindlessly. It’s about noticing the hurtful patterns, the wheel of pain and putting effort into taking care of yourself, (not caring for your ancestors, not your parents). Healing starts with you and the cycle ends with you. Generational trauma invites us to take accountability for our own path. We are the ones benefiting from this healing energy and we get to pass this benefit to others, to your children, to your partner, friends, and the world.
Most of us are doing the best we can with the tools we were given.
But if those tools came from dysfunction, emotional neglect, or abuse, they’re going to hurt us and the people we love unless we learn a different way.

And here’s the truth: You can be the one who breaks the cycle. If not you, then who?

How to Begin Breaking the Cycle

There’s no quick fix, no checklist that magically heals generational trauma. But there is a way forward. And it starts with awareness first.

1. Notice your patterns without judgment.

Do you shrink when you feel criticized? Do you get defensive when someone sets a boundary with you? These reactions are clues they’re showing you what still needs care.

2. Practice self-reflection.

Ask yourself:
Where is this coming from?
When have I felt this way before?
Whose voice am I hearing in my head right now? Is it my voice or is it my parents`?

Start being curious about your inner world.

3. Take accountability with compassion.

The pain may not be your fault. But the healing is your responsibility. This isn’t about shaming yourself, it’s about reclaiming your power.

4. Go beyond the ego.

It takes humility to admit that sometimes we’re not just reacting to the moment, we’re reacting to the past. Healing requires us to stop pointing outward and start looking inward.

5. Seek trauma-informed support.

Working with a therapist trained in modalities like EMDR, inner child work, IFS, Ego States, Parts Work or somatic experiencing or dream analysis can help you process the pain that talking alone can’t always reach.

6. Reconnect with your inner child.

The part of you that still feels afraid, rejected, angry, or invisible needs you. Especially in moments of overwhelm, learn to turn toward yourself instead of away. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up for yourself.

You’re Carrying What is Not Yours

Breaking the cycle of generational trauma is about getting to know the parts of you that had to survive and offering them something new.

It’s about showing up for yourself in ways no one could when you were growing up.

You don’t have to do this alone. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation, it happens in relationship, in safety, in spaces where you’re seen and understood.

If you’re ready to begin this work, I invite you to schedule a free 30-minute consultation with me. We’ll talk about what’s coming up for you, what you’re wanting to shift, and how therapy can support you in healing the patterns you didn’t choose, but can choose to end.

Schedule Your FREE 30 Min Consultation Now.