Magical Thinking and Childhood Trauma
Have you ever found yourself thinking...
“If I just work harder, things will finally get better.”
“If I meet the right person, I’ll finally feel whole.”
“If I become successful, I’ll finally be happy.”
This pattern, this constant chasing, waiting, or hoping that something out there will finally make you feel okay might be a sign of something deeper. Something you didn’t choose but might still be carrying: magical thinking.
And no, I don’t mean "magic" in the joyful, imaginative sense. I’m talking about a kind of internalized belief system that many adult children of dysfunctional families carry without realizing it. It’s the invisible thread that keeps you stuck in cycles of striving, hoping, and never quite feeling enough.
Let’s talk about what magical thinking is, where it comes from, and how to finally break free.
What Is Magical Thinking?
Children are naturally magical thinkers. It’s part of healthy development. When you're five years old, believing that your favorite stuffed animal has feelings or that a special wish can change the world? Totally normal.
Magical thinking is the belief that your thoughts, actions, or behavior can control outcomes around you even when those things are far beyond your control.
But here’s where it gets painful:
When children grow up in dysfunctional or emotionally immature homes, magical thinking becomes more than just a phase. It becomes a survival strategy.
“If I’m really good, Mommy will stop crying.”
“If I stay quiet, maybe Dad won’t yell.”
“If I behave, mom will change and everything is gonna be ok.”
It’s a child trying to make sense of emotional chaos. And when those beliefs are reinforced by the adults around you? They don’t go away. They become part of how you see yourself and the world.
How Magical Thinking gets Reinforced
Let me give you some examples that might sound familiar:
“Your mother is sad look what you did.”
“Because you misbehaved, your dad and I fought. This is your fault.”
“He hit your brother because you wouldn’t listen.”
“I know what you’re thinking.”
These words teach a child that they are responsible for how others feel and act. That their behavior controls the emotions, choices, and reactions of the adults around them.
It’s the opposite of emotional safety.
And here’s the thing: this is not how we teach empathy.
Empathy is not telling a child they’re the reason mom is crying.
Empathy is helping a child understand their own emotions and see the humanity in others.
Real empathy sounds like:
“I see that you’re feeling sad.”
“It’s okay to feel angry. Let’s talk about it.”
“Everyone has feelings, even when we don’t understand them.”
Shaming children into being “good” doesn’t teach emotional awareness. It teaches self-blame. And that’s a heavy burden to carry into adulthood.
What Happens When This Stays Stuck?
If your inner child never got to feel safe, heard, or accepted, that magical thinking doesn’t just disappear with age.
It evolves into adult versions like:
“If I meet the right person, I’ll finally be happy.”
“If I become rich, I’ll finally feel safe.”
“If I get this degree or promotion, I’ll finally be enough.”
“If I’m perfect, no one will leave me.”
“I will stay longer in this relationship, what if my partner changes, I am hopeful”
Sound familiar?
A lot of this shows up in how we chase success, relationships, or perfection, waiting for the moment we’ll finally feel whole. But the truth is, that moment never really arrives… because we’re looking for something outside of ourselves to fill a wound that happened inside.
Fairy tales, romantic movies, even societal expectations reinforce these beliefs.
For women, it’s often about waiting for the right man.
For men, it’s searching for the perfect woman.
The message is the same: when the “right” person or situation shows up, then you’ll be okay.
But that’s not reality. That’s magical thinking.
So… How Do You Heal?
You start by grieving.
Yes, grieving.
This is the part no one talks about, but it’s essential.
You grieve the parent you needed but never had.
You grieve the love and safety you hoped for.
You grieve the years spent waiting, waiting to be enough, waiting to be chosen, waiting to be seen, waiting that things would change for the better, waiting for mom and dad to finally see you.
And then? You start reclaiming yourself.
Therapy can help. Especially with a therapist who understands narcissistic or emotionally immature family systems. Not all therapists do. But the right one can offer you the kind of emotional holding your younger self never received.
Reparent your inner child.
Start speaking to the part of you that still waits, still hopes, still hurts. Help them understand that it’s not their job to fix, earn, or chase love. Let them know that you’re here now. That they’re lovable not because they got it right, but because they exist. Just because they exist. That’s all. Show your inner child reality and be there when reality settles in. It`s freeing.
This work takes time. It takes patience. But it’s the way out.
Because the love you’ve been looking for out there?
That peace you keep chasing?
It’s been waiting for you (inside you) all along.
You’re Not Broken. You’re Breaking Free.
Happiness isn’t something you earn by being good, successful, or perfect.
It’s not hiding in your next relationship or paycheck.
It lives in the parts of you that still believe. That still hope. That still want to laugh, play, and rest.
It lives in your inner child.
And they’re waiting for you to come home.
Ready to Go Deeper? Let's Talk.
If you’ve read this far, chances are something in you is waking up. Maybe you're realizing how long you’ve been stuck in these invisible patterns waiting for others to change, hoping that happiness is coming and how exhausting that really is.
You don’t have to keep carrying this on your own.
I offer a free 30-minute consultation for adult children of emotionally immature or narcissistic families who are ready to begin healing. This isn’t a sales pitch or pressure to commit it's a safe space to talk, be heard, and explore whether therapy with me feels like a good fit for you.
We’ll gently explore where you are in your journey, what support you might need, and what working together could look like.
